


the birds sing tales of our love

by A5tr0punk



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Comatose Arthur Pendragon, End of season one, Hurt No Comfort, Inspired by a Mitski Song, Kinda?, Loss, Love Confessions, M/M, Merlin dies for Arthur au, Suicide, a life for a life, i wrote this a 1 am, it actually ends up being pretty arthur-centiric but ignore that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29897010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A5tr0punk/pseuds/A5tr0punk
Summary: If I could, I'd be a little spoon / And kiss your fingers forever more / But big spoon, you have so much to do / And I have nothing ahead of meYou're the sun, you've never seen the night / But you hear its song from the morning birds / But I'm not the moon, I'm not even a star / But awake at night I'll be singing to the birds / Don't wait for me, I can't go-Your Best American Girl, MitskiA destiny is nothing without both sides. Merlin can't comprehend how he could ever be worth as much as anyone else.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Kudos: 20





	the birds sing tales of our love

Arthur was still asleep when Merlin entered the room. For a brief period, Uther had stepped out, and he didn't have much time. He walked haltingly to his prince's side, sitting down on the bed after a moment's hesitation. Arthur looked... awful. He was sweaty, his bandages needed to be replaced, and he was twitching. He looked like he was in so much pain. Merlin brushed his hair off of his sticky forehead, taking the cold compress and resoaking it in the bucket of water sitting next to the bed. He flinched under Merlin's gentle touch, and he made sure to cease all contact with the sick man once he'd replaced the rag.

"I'm going to fix this, Arthur." At the sound of his voice, the prince's hand twitched, reaching out into empty air. Merlin took it in both of his own. "You're going to live. You're going to reunite the kingdoms and be the best king history has or will ever see. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to serve you. That seems to be all I'm good for anyway, so I'm sure you'll find someone just as worthwhile." He bent over, pressing his lips lightly to the fabric on his forehead. Even now, he couldn't bring himself to touch his face. He didn't have it in him to be so intimate. "I hope I'll see you again. I'll wait on the other side, okay? Don't come too soon, once I'm not there to baby you. I- I- it's so hard to say. I'll never get another chance to tell you, though. Dammit.

"I'm glad I got to be with you, just for a little bit. I hope you can find someone who loves you as much as I do. Someone who loves you most, not as their sovereign. Your only one, like you were mine. Goodbye, Arthur. I really do love you." The pain seemed to be softening along with his face, which held a rare small smile.

Merlin kissed his hand, then released him, and headed to his doom.

The boat came back empty.

When Arthur woke up, Gwen was at his side. He remembered someone talking, Gwen talking, someone telling him how much they loved him, Gwen telling what a good king he could be. Was it all Gwen? His memory was so muddled. He looked around. His father was asleep next to him. Someone was missing.

"Where's Gaius?" Gwen whirled around. She looked disheveled, like she hadn't been sleeping at all. Her dress was unusually wrinkled, and her hair was messy, most of it falling out of her bun.

"My lord! He's... he's out at the moment." The prince's brow furrowed.

"Then who healed me?"

"No one did, my lord. We've tried everything. Merlin said he had a solution, but..." Merlin. As if that imbecile could do anything. Gaius probably had to treat him after he'd spectacularly failed his mission.

"But?"

"He hasn't come back. Gaius fears the worst." Merlin? Dead? No. Arthur actually laughed. He was so useless, he'd probably just gotten lost. There was no way Merlin could be dead. "Merlin visited you, before he left. Do you remember anything? He just told me he was going to save you, told me never to change, and left. I'm worried too, honestly." Visitors. He'd had a few of those. His mind kept coming back to the hazy memory of a tearful goodbye from someone who loved him, someone who thought death was coming swiftly. Someone who thought he was going to die?

"My only one... was that you? Someone was saying I was their one and only. I can't recall..."

"I never said anything of the sort, my lord. Perhaps you had a dream?" Arthur tried to sit up, but his whole body ached. It was agony, just twitching or tensing. He really couldn't stand it. He'd never been afraid to die, knowing it would be a relief, but pain had always filled him with dread. There was never an escape. No matter what you did, you would always feel pain. Particularly strenuous exercise? Pain. Someone you care about being hurt in any way? Pain. Pain was everywhere, all the time, and it terrified him. "Please, rest."

"I need to find Merlin. He'll know what should be done."

"Like I said before, your highness, Merlin has been missing for over two weeks. Your fever broke three days ago. You need to rest." Merlin. Gone for so long. How could he just leave? Maybe Gwen had misunderstood him. He probably was on his way back, and would be so surprised to see his prince up and about. Yes, that had to be it. Merlin wouldn't abandon him. 

"Did Morgana come to visit me?"

"No, she's been rather sick herself. She's been quarantined since you left." 

"Then who-" _Goodbye, Arthur. I love you_. That's what he'd heard. Or something along those lines. Who would have said goodbye to him? Who could he have overlooked, when they were so important? He remembered sleeping the best he had in weeks after that, even before he'd gotten sick. "Have any other women been in?"

"Not that I know of. Your father has only let me, Gaius, and Merlin into the room, as far as I know." It couldn't be Gaius. And his father was right there, dead to the world. Even as it became more and more undeniable, he fought harder against it. It had to have been some trick of the mind, some wishful thinking, because Merlin was always at his side, and that was a real goodbye. Why would Merlin give him a real goodbye, when he should've stayed right where he belonged? Why would he have been so gentle, when he'd always been so rude, so cocky, so stupid? Merlin wasn't capable of telling him what he wanted to hear, nevermind promising to _wait_. He was the most impatient person Arthur had ever met.

He was Arthur's favorite person.

So he couldn't go. He couldn't leave him behind. It wasn't fair. Arthur still needed him. The kingdom still needed him. Even Uther tolerated him, who else was going to laugh about being put in the stocks? Who else was going to cover for him when Arthur went out with girls he thought he should like? Who was going to make him feel that fuzzy happy feeling he got after seeing they'd pulled through for him? Who else was going to make Arthur care so much he just had to keep saving them? Who else could he be capable of loving?

There wasn't anyone. There was never anyone else. Merlin made him feel how the women he surround himself should've made him feel, the women he wasn't capable of feeling anything for. If Merlin was there, he could do what his father wanted of him. He could fall in love, and he could act out that love with some princess, a noble of some sort, Morgana. He could find the little quirks -the way they positioned their hands when they read, the slight tilt of their head when they were confused, a smile, something- and he could see someone he really loved in those small things, and he could be someone who wouldn't disappoint his father. He needed Merlin for that. He _needed Merlin_. He always had, and he always would. Being without him hurt, and it was physically sickening, being so aware of his weaknesses. So he needed Merlin to come back, to stay by him, to keep him feeling refreshed and energetic. Not scared. Not hurt. Not burning. Not melting from the inside out, because a piece of himself was missing. Whole, intact. With Merlin.

"Father," he said, shaking the king's shoulder. He woke up slowly, eyes lighting up as he saw who was talking to him. He looked ready to cry, which only served to heighten Arthur's distress. "Father, we need to find Merlin."

"What?"

"We need Merlin. He has to be alive, right? I need- my servant, you know. I need someone I can trust. To look after me, I mean." Uther just looked at him with confusion. "I'm alive because of him. I need him." His voice cracked as soon as he admitted it aloud. The plain, visceral vulnerability that came with showing weakness, especially for another person, was so heartrendingly unfamiliar he could only panic more.

"That's impossible."

"He must be magic. This is the proof you needed, not all magic is bad! He just keeps saving me. So we should bring him back to the palace! He needs to come back. He needs to come back to me." Uther and Gwen shared a look, one of worry. One of 'he might honestly be going insane'. True, being this honest had never occurred to him, but, if it helped him get whole again, he would do anything. He would cut off his legs just to be back with Merlin.

"Arthur, you're tired. You should get some sleep," his father said, too sweet. Uther Pendragon wasn't like that. He was mean. He hurt people, just like how he was destroying Arthur in that moment. He'd always been cruel, ruthless, paranoid. The war had ended, but it had never left him, and he took that out on everyone he could. His wrath paralyzed everyone it could reach. He shouldn't get to be kind. He shouldn't get to pretend to know what love is like, after all he'd done.

"What would you do if you knew Mother was out there somewhere, waiting for you?" The King frowned, a line forming between his eyebrows. Arthur missing his mother. He'd never met her, but there was a phantom ache in his soul where her influence should have been. Merlin had filled that hole to bursting, constantly showing him the other perspective, putting him in place. He was just as much, if not more important to Arthur than his mother could possibly have ever been.

"It's not the same." Arthur blinked at that, his own eyebrows pulling together in response. Because there was love. There was so much love, neither of them could bear to speak of it, for fear of combusting on the spot. They were each the missing half of the other. Wasn't that what a soulmate was? Whatever it was, Arthur was sure it was what Merlin was to him. 

"Yes," Arthur whispered. "Yes, it is."


End file.
